暗恋不容易。
In previous entry, i have admitted that i have developed a strong liking for my colleague who sits in the same office as i do.
This time, i have to admit that the poisoning is deepening, regardless of the fact that i had wanted to ignore my feelings for her. sigh. The more time that i spend with her, the more i cannot get over her.
To put it simply, everything that she does, be it a simple smile, her scratching of her hair (not from dandruff lah), the way she walks (especially when she is walking in front of me), the way she talks, sound she makes when she sighs, her laughter, made my brain stop functioning. I had tried hard to stop looking at her adorably most of the time, lest people around me caught on to me, but my eyes still stray to her in the end. I think no one caught on to me yet coz i have my poker face on most of the time at work.
And even worst, i took the opportunity to lend my brother my car for his highkey in-camp training so that i can take the MRT with her every morning and also try to go home after work with her too. While this is only the second day of this stupidity of mine, i still could not stop myself from doing it. If i can only talk to her normally, as in at work, but i could not make myself open my month to chitchat with her like what i can do with other girls. So these 2 days, it is as if we are 2 colleagues whom simply took the train together coz they live in the West.
Initially, i thought that i had just only lost my balls to make contact with a girl that i care about, or it is because we are direct colleagues and so subconsciously, i dun want to make it too complicated by trying to hit on her.
But 2 hours ago, i had a flash of sudden insight. She is a gem of a girlfriend, i.e homey, filial, feminine, gentle, fun-loving and quite a funny girl. And she will be taken soon by a lucky bastard. And she will have the kind of 幸福 that i cannot give her. And I will be very upset and pained when she really did get together with someone that is good to her. I will probably want to kick myself hard then.
Is the best that i can give her is by not being with her?
As a pessimistically optimistic person, i had tried to analyse my chances based on how she treats me. But i had come to the conclusion that it is just that of a lower scale of status between that of "colleagues" and "acquaintances". This is likely due to the fact that at work, i am the senior guiding a new colleague to navigate this workplace.
Also how could you hope to love anyone if you have no heart to open to? My heart had disappeared a long time ago when i broke up with my first girlfriend. It is not the breaking up that shattered my heart but the realisation that love like our other feelings, hunger, sadness and happiness are all impermanence. They are as real as the rainbow after the rain.
But then if it is so, why am i typing this now?
Again i repeat my question : Is the best that i can give her is by not being with her? or am i just chicken?
This time, i have to admit that the poisoning is deepening, regardless of the fact that i had wanted to ignore my feelings for her. sigh. The more time that i spend with her, the more i cannot get over her.
To put it simply, everything that she does, be it a simple smile, her scratching of her hair (not from dandruff lah), the way she walks (especially when she is walking in front of me), the way she talks, sound she makes when she sighs, her laughter, made my brain stop functioning. I had tried hard to stop looking at her adorably most of the time, lest people around me caught on to me, but my eyes still stray to her in the end. I think no one caught on to me yet coz i have my poker face on most of the time at work.
And even worst, i took the opportunity to lend my brother my car for his highkey in-camp training so that i can take the MRT with her every morning and also try to go home after work with her too. While this is only the second day of this stupidity of mine, i still could not stop myself from doing it. If i can only talk to her normally, as in at work, but i could not make myself open my month to chitchat with her like what i can do with other girls. So these 2 days, it is as if we are 2 colleagues whom simply took the train together coz they live in the West.
Initially, i thought that i had just only lost my balls to make contact with a girl that i care about, or it is because we are direct colleagues and so subconsciously, i dun want to make it too complicated by trying to hit on her.
But 2 hours ago, i had a flash of sudden insight. She is a gem of a girlfriend, i.e homey, filial, feminine, gentle, fun-loving and quite a funny girl. And she will be taken soon by a lucky bastard. And she will have the kind of 幸福 that i cannot give her. And I will be very upset and pained when she really did get together with someone that is good to her. I will probably want to kick myself hard then.
Is the best that i can give her is by not being with her?
As a pessimistically optimistic person, i had tried to analyse my chances based on how she treats me. But i had come to the conclusion that it is just that of a lower scale of status between that of "colleagues" and "acquaintances". This is likely due to the fact that at work, i am the senior guiding a new colleague to navigate this workplace.
Also how could you hope to love anyone if you have no heart to open to? My heart had disappeared a long time ago when i broke up with my first girlfriend. It is not the breaking up that shattered my heart but the realisation that love like our other feelings, hunger, sadness and happiness are all impermanence. They are as real as the rainbow after the rain.
But then if it is so, why am i typing this now?
Again i repeat my question : Is the best that i can give her is by not being with her? or am i just chicken?
posted by 逍遥老头 at 2:36 PM
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