Was studying with a friend last night (15/7). We went back to SDE and accidentally came upon the orientation camp of Architectural and ID. Brings back lots of memories. Secondly, I was also relieved to be able to conclude that BEMS is still alive and kicking. Anyway I immediately called 2 of my OG friends to chat with them. One is leaving the red dot, the other is contemplating a new direction in life. Wish them all the best in life and other things.
My study-buddy for now is also in a bind in her personal life. She knows what she wants to and has to do in this situation but, like all humans, she wanted some support or reassurance from others of her decision by double-confirming her. Unfortunately and as always, I do not want to and cannot take responsibility for her decisions.
Close to midnight, I came to realise that I had not changed much since the day I stepped into NUS, whether in terms of character, social skills or others. While this is neither good nor bad, I am perplexed that I might lack the flexibility to change my mentality or mindsets later on in the future when required.
While at work this morning, I chatted on the MSN with a friend and discussed this problem. She said that I’m ok except that it might be better if I changed my way of treating people, and the way I express my views. In the nutshell, I have to be more sensitive with my words and avoid being too extreme.
She also quoted an example where I made a lapse of judgment in my words sometime ago. At that time, one of the friend was unable to attend a mutual friend’s wedding as one of his grandparent had passed away recently and hence a taboo to weddings. And then I said the words “too bad”. As insensitive as I was at that moment, I did not realise the remarks hurt him a lot. Although he did corrected my wrong choice of words then, and I thought that I did said sorry immediately, I guess the hurt was done. He did forgive me on the spot, if I remembered correctly, as he said that he knew I don’t mean it in the negative way. But still it does not resolve the hurt felt and the guilt. Worst off, I was then still too insensitive to ensure a heartfelt apology was given by immediately moving off to the next point of conversation. I suppose I was also got carried away on the idea of attending the wedding. Guess I should try to make it up to him soon. Hmm….
It is true that I should not have said “too bad”. The crux is that I should not have said it out loud as he couldn’t have understand the context in which I really meant. To do this I must reproduce these 2 stories :
A rich man asked a Zen master to write something down that could encourage the prosperity of his family for years to come. It would be something that the family could cherish for generations. On a large piece of paper, the master wrote, "Father dies, son dies, grandson dies.” The rich man became angry when he saw the master's work. "I asked you to write something down that could bring happiness and prosperity to my family. Why do you give me something depressing like this?” If your son should die before you," the master answered, "this would bring unbearable grief to your family. If your grandson should die before your son, this also would bring great sorrow. If your family, generation after generation, disappears in the order I have described, it will be the natural course of life. This is true happiness and prosperity." - A Zen Koan
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When Zhuang Zi's wife died and Hui Shi came to convey his condolences, he found Zhuang Zi squatting with his knees out, drumming on a pan and singing ''You lived with her she raised your children, and you grew old together", Hui Shi said "Not weeping when she died would have been bad enough. Aren't you going too far by drumming on a pan and singing ?"
"No," Zhuang Zi said, "when she first died how could I have escaped feeling the loss? Then I looked back to the beginning before she had life Not only before she had life but before she had form. Not only before she had form, but before she had vital energy. In this confused amorphous realm, something changed and vital energy appeared,- when the vital energy was changed, form appeared; with changes in form, life began. Now there is another change bringing death This is like the progression of the four seasons of spring and fall, winter and summer. Here she was lying down to sleep in a huge room and I followed her sobbing and wailing. When I realized my actions showed I hadn't understood destiny, I stopped." – Translations from the Sayings of Zhuang Zi (庄子), a Taoist Sage.
I had a NS friend who die in an accident when i was in Uni 1st year. For the 2 years we were bunk mates, we did not really click well but there was never any harsh words between us. Guess its kind of a mutual and quiet dislike. I can still rememeber that i was at Marina Mandarin's lounge lobby drinking burbon coke when a fellow bunk mate broke the news to me. yap. Cried like crazy over the hp with my friend. My decreased friend was in the prime of his life and was about to snatch himself a girlfriend then. Many years later, even now, i am still coming to terms with the fragility of life and how ridiculous it actually is. Compared with age of the universe, the earth’s age is insignificant. Compared human’s to earth’s, our’s almost ridiculous. So what can we do? We can only learn to understand, accept and let it go. Only then can we carry on our lives in harmony and peace.
But as my msn friend had observed, I am not good with words. Even if I did explained then, that good friend of mine would probably think that I’m trying to be funny and I would have ended up with one less friend.
3 days ago, I had also made an insensitive remark on religion while discussing this issue with a Buddhist and a Catholic. Being the atheist that I am, I offended the Buddhist with this exact remark was “if I ever see Christ or Buddha or even the monkey god on the street, the first thing I would do is to try and kill them”. An extreme view? Perhaps. What I was trying to put across was that even if there are actually such things as gods, they will never appear before you or even let you know they are gods. If they make their presence known, then they are probably something bad / false trying to take advantage of people. Heck, it might even turn out to be a demon or the anti-Christ. The workings of God / Buddha to help the “suffering populace” must be invisible or otherwise they are no different from demons.
As stated in my friendster profile, I put down my job as the “devil’s advocate”. I tend to always say extreme things to test other’s reaction. Also as an amateur philosopher, I like to challenge people’s values, world views, rules, religion or anything that is established. And for what you might ask? Besides that this is one way to know people better and to learn things, it is also to make my life more interesting and to have some fun before I drop dead and die anytime. Yes. I am prepared to die anytime, any place, anywhere. But preferably, I would like to die in my sleep on my bed on my birthday. 20 odd years of birthday wishes and I’m still alive. Hmmph!
In conclusion. Till the day I die (horribly or otherwise), I still have to learn to be more sensitive to people (aka think before I speak) and also to polish up my speaking / presentation skills. I guess my future job as a Remisier will probably get me to wise up in no time. One of the reasons why I wanted to take up a sales job is to improve in this area. Its all in my Master Plan. To learn to swim with the sharks or die, yeah ! ;)
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Without taking a step outdoors -You know the whole world. 1.jpg)
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Had lunch with a friend today. She said i look like Suneo from the side view while waiting for her. Wah ha ha...
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